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| well, even though it is hard i
really need to just stop trying to be friends with chin...i mean he
couldn't even wish me a happy b-day...people i don't know took the time
to....my boss tried for like 15 minutes of valuable work time just to
play me a happy birthday song....he says he isn't allowed to sing
for an unknown reason to me....so why do i want to be friends with
someone who doesn't seem to care? i deserve way better...not that
i am full of myself, but i know i am a good person with a lot to
offer...so he can just kiss my arse
i have other friends...so what if
i thought he brought a different perspective to my life...i can get
that from other people.....who really needs a friend like chin?
not i, anymore....
so i am doing great....things are
well, work is decent, and in all things i am truly happy...but i do
have trouble letting go...i have hope..hope that i am wrong or that the
other person isn't as stupid as what is shown to me....just hope...and
yeah i guess it can be hard, but it isn't always a bad thing...
hope, faith, love...3 virtues i
posess to an extent that fills my life so much and if ever gave any of
those up i wouldn't be me....and me not being me wold suck...because
even if other people have issues with me, i really like me and my mommy
loves me and my true friends love me....so the few that are idiots and
can't see what friendship is then oh well...who needs to waste time on
'em any more?
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| so today i go on moe's myspace
and see that chin has a page! chin!! ok so after taht shock
i go look in my curious ways and i see he is in a relationship as he
marked it....here is the point that everything clicks....he is like
lance and the other guys that just stopped talking to me
i thought we had some kind of a
friendship, but i am a fool....so since he had stopped talking to me
awhile ago i decided i needed to cut him out to....i mean i don't want
to be treated like i am nothing the way these guys do
so i deleted him from all my
lists stuffs and just won't contact him...like everyone else..if he
wants to talk to me again he knows how to get ahold of me
i was upset...i was hurt, even
angry for a few minutes....and then it was gone....and i just realized
people suck...i have my good friends who don't....it is all good...and
i am me....if guys can't handle who i am then i am better off letting
go of their friendships...and i am not going to change for
someone....even though this not talking to me...treating me poorly
bites...i am still gonna be nice and me....maybe someday i will meet a
guy from this area will actually have a spine and be mature.
well for the cali peeps who
read this...i realized today that if i don't get into grad school i
gave it a go up here.....but people are really sucky up here so
far...on their time, no effort in friendship....and no spines....the
gals are cool, but everyone drinks like crazy...church is nice, but i
will never had the family and trust i had at fatima again....so next
july i will be back in cali if i do not get into grad school or
something amazing doesn't happen....yeah, great city...crappy
peeps....so what amazing will happen to me?
| | |
| so i dunno...i am confused....i
mean i know my mom is right in some aspects, but i also can tell fast
if i have a connection with someone...i don't know what kind of
connection that might be until time shows....
i wonder if people have an issue
with the fact i am not working...and depend so much on my parents
still...i hate it honestly, but i am trying....
well it is time to forget the
guy who stopped talking to me....he obviously forgot about me....or he
tried to, because he can't handle my awesomeness....
this is guy number 3 that has
done this....next guy who pulls this stunt i am so confronting...i mean
are there really that many guys that have no backbone to say they met
someone that they like better or that they just aren't as interested as
they said they were? well they can all just bite me...who needs a
spineless boy, even if they are 33
i am happy...i am well...job
hunting and all that jazz....starting to make plans for my
b-day...thinking a picnic and bowling or something of the likes
so back to my mom she said
"Maybe you worry too soon about whether there is a future for the two
of you and maybe you bare your soul too soon and they can't handle
that." and yeah maybe i share my soul too soon, but i think i
just look at a week's future...am i compatible...do i stay centered
with this guy, is there a chance of something over time, or is it just
gonna be fun for today...i look at those kinds of things...not so much
of a long term future....heck, i am living a week at a time more than
nought...how can i think of a future with a guy...i think the issue
comes to that a day feels like several days....a week like a
month...but i have found a couple of new projects that should help for
at least this week...the soul part i agree with more...there is this
song called unknown and if i feel a connection with someone i do want
them to know me....and we all know i am crazy as a loon...but in a good
way....so maybe people just can't handle that and i think i am ok with
that
yeah...who knows....i mean yeah,
i want a family...and a lifetime of love....but that takes time...and i
have a lot of it...so i am willing to give it time
and if this guy starts talkin to
me again...of course i am cool so i'd be nice and talk
again....heck...i am not angry...have no grudges, just a little
disappointed....but such is life...you learn and move on...keep living
and find strength and happiness from deep within
oooh i have play tickets for the
8th of Oct...now i just needs to find me someone who would enjoy
a broadway musical...i have a small list...but i have a
month...so much fun
         
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| posted originally on myspace.com/sekzipirate
people and time
so
people should know i don't really go to other peoples sites unless they
tell me i should....call it a lzainess or not really caring...not
sure....maybe i am just not the type of person that really gets the
myspace thing
but randomly tonight i went to someone's
site..curious...read her last blog about not being the same as in high
school and stuff like that
i honestly don't remember 95% of
people from high school, unless they were teachers or actually made a
lasting impression...like a travis murray...but i knew him outside of
school too
so yeah no one is expected to be the same...i think
in many ways i could be...i still don't care what people think of me,
would rather read than deal with annoying people, and if i can sleep on
a couch i will
anyways...i can't recall what this gal was like
in high school,but do remember a slumber party in elementary
school....and yup...can't recall anything else really
do i care
to...not really...my high school was lame...a ton of stupid and
annoying people with some exceptions....and fair weather friends...make
no effort on their part or anything...yeah...those people suck....
if
you are truly a friend i will make an effort until you stop....like
jennet...i gave up, because she never tried....i'm not into 1-sided
relationships of any kind....life and relationships are a 2-way
street....got to give and take, not jsut take
like cahore rocks...she makes time and effort and is there...and so i do the same...she gets what relationships are
or
then there are the people who really don't know me and don't realize
once i can call you a friend it is for life...even if you treat me like
crap or don't do anything...i am still here for them..just gotta
contact me....i haven't seen a friend in years, yet i made an effort to
go to the memorial service for his son and show my love and support
when i knew i could go...
i do not get pushed away...people walk
away....and sometimes people need space like the pope of oiness...we
spent a year not talking...but time heals and we talk again....i never
left though...i just waited
and if i love someone it is for
life...even if it changes...like this guy jeff i knew, yes in a way i
loved him like 10 years ago...and that has never left...but he has
become quite the idiot...
i am all about love...i used to say i
was love because i couldn't hate or anything....i give all of myself to
anyone who asks....and my trust was shattered in people about 6 months
ago and i just recently met this guy who has truly given me hope to let
myself be love again and to trust....and even if he walks away someday
he will have given me that and i will forever be in his debt for
that.....
i spent 6 months trying to figure out what has been
off in my head...and tonight in my ramblings i realize it is because i
stopped writing, i stopped taking pictures, i stopped truly giving and
loving.....all because my trust was broken....but now that i have
realized all this iit means i truly have finally let go and forgiven
those that i needed to forgive and i am able to just breathe again and
know who i am and the strengths i have
and i am in debt to my
true friends that didn't walk away, to new friends, to old friends that
walked away....because everyone has shaped and formed me, so that i can
truly be me
and to those who know this 6 months sober, no slipups...thank you for your support when i needed it...
and with taht i am done for the moment
love y'all who actually read through this
| | |
| i asked chin for 1 thing, to end the silence...but all i got was more silence...i guess that is my answer
did he ever truly love me or were
we just fooling ourselves with the physical?...silence speaks 1000
words, but yet it brings out more questions
i was soaking in the tub with so
much in my heart to write...i was thinking about friendship and how i
had a feeling this one would end oddly...and i had anticipated the
silence, but yet it stings more than words ever could...true it has
only been a couple of days since i sent that e-mail...but silence is
the only thing there so far
and then today i realized there
is so much i forget, but so many strong memories of when we were
together, of before, and even of after...and the only 1 that has come
to mind so much is that his hugs made it feel like i knew all was right
with the world
like he had a magic power in his hugs...but was it from him or was it truly within me
i can't say chin and i had a
song, but we had an album..leann rhymes - twisted angel...and here i
sit listening to it and rememberng when silence with him was a good
thing, a nice thing...but in friendship it hurts
so if all i get is silence do i
figure there is truly nothing there for a friendship? or do
i just think he truly has nothing to say...and if he has nothing to say
is a friendship with him worth the effort?
maybe deep down in me it is my love for him and all that he gave me that i don't want to let go of....
when he broke up with me he said
he gets bored with people and he'll phase them out, is this my
time? i will not be phased out...end it or keep it goin'...but no
lingering and questioning...
my sister says i am too good for
him and she is happy that we ended up breaking up....but maybe i should
have taken mike's advice too in ending a friendship too...no matter how
much that idea hurts....but his form of friendship seems to hurt me
i don't want to be his g/f or
date him again...he can't offer or give me what i desire or need...but
his friendship and the hugs that went with that were nice...
i doubt myself and wonder do i
give up too soon? but i have felt this tear for months...and i
know that everything happens as it is supposed to and i find this peace
and happiness in that...earlier with the silence i was feeling
strangely fine, then hurt, now i am at peace...i truly do go through
processes of emotions quite quickly...maybe it is the balance that i
find i myself...that i am my own yin and yang
and i have good friends...each
different, and i'll miss the hugs if this is truly the silent
ending...but there will be others from different people
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